Drunken Decisions
by Mistress Of The Macabre
Summary: ...In which Deidara mistakes hate for lust, and Pein is not pleased with the results. Deidara/OC. Pure crack.


**A/N: Not to be taken seriously, guys ^_^ Literally just wrote this on a whim xD Tani is my OC, but everything else belongs to Kishimoto. Hope you guys like it! :D **

Tani staggered to her feet, almost falling on top of Hidan, and impaling herself in the process. Despite the fact that it was her fault and not his, she got angry. "Hey, watch it," she slurred, jabbing a finger at the grey-haired immortal. "You might be immortal, but I'll still kick your…your ass."

She got no reply in return. Hidan had passed out.

She stumbled towards Karin and jerked her thumb at the unconscious jashinist. "It's assholes like this that make life…shitty," she said, frowning as she said that last part. She was having trouble concentrating. Karin, who was not yet eighteen and couldn't drink, sighed.

"Tani, have you had enough to drink?"

"NO!" she shouted, "I need MORE!"

"That's probably not a great idea, Tani." The younger girl was uneasy. She wasn't used to seeing the Akatsuki drunk. She didn't even know what they were doing here, most of them pissed out of their minds. "Sit down, rest for a bit."

"Are you going to make me?!"

"No, but you're drunk."

"I'm not drunk!" she exclaimed, wandering over to Zetsu, who was handing out drinks like party favours, which, she supposed he was. It had been his intention to get the Akatsuki drunk, and so far, four out of ten wasn't so bad. Deidara was gone. Hidan was unconscious. Kisame was busy chewing a couch, under the impression it was a raw steak. Tani seemed to be on the border of aggressive/affectionate, lavishing Zetsu with praises as he handed her another drink. Kakuzu was sober; he'd insisted that the first drink was free, but the rest had to be paid for. He was making an extraordinary amount of money that night. Zetsu wanted to see how his plan worked out, and wouldn't risk getting drunk and missing the hilarious results. Pein and Konan, well, they were expected. Alcohol couldn't affect Sasori. Itachi had accepted the first drink but refused any more.

Little did he know that Zetsu had deliberately spiked it, and the Uchiha's head buzzed slightly more than he would have liked.

Deidara stood up suddenly, swaying as he did so. His eyes were slightly glazed over as he whirled his arms around frantically. "Art…is an explosion!" he proclaimed to an irate Sasori.

"Yeah, I know. You've told me before." That was putting it nicely- 'before' was at least fifty times.

"You just get the biggest rush, ya know, when ya blow something up! It's like- WHOAH! Freaking awesome!"

"Don't you dare blow anything up, Deidara," Pein warned, ignoring Zetsu, who was waving a drink in his face. Deidara grinned, his hand-mouths blowing raspberries.

"Wouldn't fucking DREAM of it, mister boss-man," he slurred. Pein gave him a look that would strip paint, but the blonde man was blissfully ignorant, resuming his argument with Sasori once again.

"True art is fleeting; it lasts only a moment before- BANG!- it's nothing."

"Art is eternal." Sasori was quickly growing bored of this subject. He sipped at his wine, despite not being able to taste it, and ignored Deidara completely.

"You're a fucking bore, yeah."

"Ooh! Someone's getting feisty!" Kisame screeched in between mouthfuls of couch. His sharklike eyes were bloodshot, and they all knew that he'd have a hell of a hangover in the morning.

Meanwhile, Tani was fishing for more money to get another drink. She had only half-drunk her current drink, something chocolately and syrupy that probably would have made her ill if she'd drunk it any other time. She was having trouble. Her fingers seemed too big for her drawstring purse, her movements too clumsy. She frowned slightly, pale eyes slightly glazed over. "Why won't it…?"

"Are you okay, Tani? **Hurry up and give us your money already!" **

"I'm not drunk," she said, despite Zetsu not asking, "I'm just…tired."

"**Sure you are." **

"Here," she finally managed to get the money out, and took something fruity. She sipped it, and she decided that it was probably 98% alcohol, 2% fruit juice. She shrugged and downed it in one go. She felt happy and chatty…bubbly. Maybe she'd do this all the time.

Deidara got bored with proclaiming that art was an explosion once people stopped paying attention, and, even worse, nothing exploded. He dug out a few coins for another beer, and turned his slightly askew gaze on the rest of the group. Hidan was beginning to recover, mumbling obscenities to himself, and Kisame was still going at the couch. These guys were boring drunks. Most of them weren't even drunk!

"My art is fleeting!" he shouted. Sasori exhaled noisily- one of the few signs he gave that he was still semi-'alive'- and told him not to start that again. "You know what else is fleeting?" He gave them all what he thought was an imploring look, but failed miserably. Leader actually chuckled to himself at the moron drunk trying to seem intelligent when he was just sounding like a broken record.

"Your mama sucking me!" Hidan bellowed, using Kakuzu to stand up. The miser promptly pushed him over again, and the immortal growled. "Fuck you, Kakuzu! You atheist!"

"That's not it," Deidara said, frowning as he tried to remember just exactly what WAS fleeting. Then his eyes lit upon someone. Tani. The kunoichi was, despite needing the stool to stand up, looking very pretty tonight. Her auburn hair was still perfect, and her cheeks were flushed, the lips wholesome and lovely. "THAT'S fleeting!"

"Zetsu…?" Karin asked, puzzled. In a moment of true irony, Deidara looked at her like she was a complete moron.

"No, Tani." He sounded slightly high as he said it. His eyes were becoming bloodshot, a dangerous sign that he had drunk too much. "She's…fleeting."

"Um, okay." Karin hadn't the slightest idea what he was talking about. That made two of them. The blonde made his way over to the brunette, still clutching a beer in his hand.

She wasn't sure what he was going to say when the blonde approached her, but it sure as hell wasn't, "hey, bitch."

She'd gone from 'aggressive' drunk to 'affectionate' drunk. "Hey!" she said, enfolding him in a fierce hug, one that knocked them both askew. He tried to ignore the tempting swell of her breasts against his chest.

They broke apart, both of them grinning stupidly. "Hey, you," he mumbled. He peered at her. "Are you drunk?"

"I'm not- hey, so are you!"

"I don't deny it, yeah," he slurred, giving her one of his trademark snarky grins. "Least I'm not deluded."

"You're an asshole," she retorted, smiling. She was so pretty. The rest of the Akatsuki watched with mild interest as the two flirted. She never would have said it ordinarily, but the drinks had made her brave, and suddenly it seemed like a great idea. "But that's why I like you," she blurted out.

"Yeah?"

She nodded. "Yeah." She started to say something else, but she stumbled forward, and they went down in a heap. If it hurt, they didn't feel it. All Deidara could think was currently on top of a very pretty girl, he couldn't think clearly, and he was under the impression that they were alone in a room, instead of being on the floor at Zetsu's feet.

He began to stroke her face. Her face was smooth like he'd thought it would be, and his hand-mouth licked her chin playfully. "You're fucking beautiful, yeah," he said. "Makes me wanna blow you to smithereens."

"Deidara wants to fuck Tani!" Hidan bellowed, as if the rest of the Akatsuki couldn't hear this anyway. Sasori quietly slipped out a video camera and sat regally, filming the whole thing. He'd expected Hidan to be the source of their entertainment…but Deidara? This was better than he'd hoped for. He could rub it in the blonde's face the next morning. It would also provide for some interesting home videos.

"Hell no! She's a goddamn bitch!"

"Then what are you doing on top of her like that, Deidara?" Itachi's cold voice cut the air like a knife. His head was throbbing.

"I'm…I'm gonna blow her up," he protested.

"Deidara wants to fuck Tani!" Hidan screamed at anyone who looked like they might listen.

"No! I hate her!"

"Really?" her voice was a seductive purr as she drew him closer. "Do you really hate me, Deidara? Because you're saying one thing…" and she wiggled underneath uncomfortably, "…and your body's saying another."

He groaned despite himself. "Damn you," he swore. "I…I like that…"

"Somebody's getting laid!" came the expected screech from Hidan.

"Of course you do," she whispered. To her the others were invisible. All she noticed was the space- or the lack of- between her and Deidara. He smelled strongly of alcohol, but there was still HIS scent, and damn, did he smell good. He cupped her face again, and she shivered at the electricity, the power that seemed to be in touch. All of a sudden it was like her body was on vibrate. "You like this too, right?" And she…touched him. Part of her was exhilarated, but there was a small, niggling voice that was telling her this was stupid.

That voice practically died when he moaned, blowing his hot breath onto her ear. She seemed to have the same effect on him as well. He squirmed uncomfortably beneath her shivering fingertips.

"What's going on? I can't see from this angle," Kisame complained, picking bits of wood from in between his teeth. Sasori didn't have that problem. He was having fun filming this.

"DEIDARA'S GETTING LAID!" Hidan screamed. Pein told him to shut up.

They began kissing, his hands moving from her waist to her breasts. He squeezed gently, and she couldn't help the small whimper that slipped out. They kissed again, and she caught sight of the video camera. "Deidara," she mumbled when she got air, "Deidara."

"Mmm?"

"Is someone watching us?"

Deidara smirked. "No, we're just drunk." He kissed her again, both blissfully ignorant of the crowd watching them. Karin raised an eyebrow. Wow, he wasn't messing around. It wasn't the sort of kiss small children should be allowed to see. Hell, it wasn't the sort of kiss that ANYBODY should see, let alone hear in exquisite detail! Tani tried saying something else, but he smothered her protests with reassurances, "we're drunk-" in between kisses, "it's okay"- "we won't remember", and so on.

"Like hell you won't," Zetsu murmured.

Pein had to intervene when they tried taking each other's clothes off. "Konan, you get Tani, I'll get Deidara," he ordered, and they leapt into action, peeling them off each other. They gave a few weak protests and eventually gave up.

Sasori snapped the camcorder shut, pleased with himself.

**XxX**

The next morning at the Akatsuki base, it was around noon when Tani slunk into the kitchen. She looked terrible. Her eyes were bloodshot, her face pale. Bags hung under her eyes, and she glared at anyone who got in her way. Deidara's headband was on her head sideways.

"Morning," Itachi said smoothly as she entered. He was busying himself with making coffee, and there was a slight twisting of his lips, like he was going to smile. "Rough night?"

"I don't remember," came the sullen reply. She heaved herself into the nearest seat and sat there, staring blankly.

"Let us refresh your memory," Kisame said, leering.

They showed her the camera, and she began swearing at the top of her lungs.

**A/N: Reviews, maybe? :3 Please? **


End file.
